Just the ramblings of a plus size woman

Weight loss and body positivity — March 13, 2016

Weight loss and body positivity

I haven’t posted for a while which I am a little sad about but as everyone knows life gets in the way sometimes. It’s for good reasons though, I have had a promotion at work and have just been so busy that it’s not been a priority. Things have now begun to settle down so I have the time and space to begin to incorporate fun things back into my life.

I wanted to talk about what I think is quite a sensitive subject within certain circles and that’s weight loss. Within the body positive community I feel that sometimes if you lose weight you are almost seen as a kind of traitor. To me this is a little confusing as surely we should be accepting of everyones choices as this is what is right for them at any particular point in their life.

I have recently made a decision to lose some weight and I have good reasons for this. Back in November I ended up in hospital for a few days in absolute agony, the only thing that helped was copious amounts of morphine. I was subsequently diagnosed with gallstones and advised that I would need to have my gallbladder removed. Now the tricky thing with this is that at my size surgery is more difficult and I would have a longer and potentially more difficult recovery. I was therefore advised to lose weight before they would do the operation (I now have an appointment at a private hospital next week to discuss this so it will be interesting to hear their opinion as well). Admittedly I didn’t really do anything back at the end of last year, I love my food and I can find no end of excuses to carry on eating! 

Then at the beginning of this year a friend asked me if I wanted to go to a plus size event in Las Vegas, I have had so much fun and made so many friends since attending events like this in the UK that the prospect of doing this on a much bigger scale was really exciting, so we booked the tickets and started planning. As weeks have gone by I have started to think about the practical side of this, how will I feel sitting on a plane for 11 hours when the seats aren’t made for someone my size? Vegas in July is going to be hot! How will my body be able to cope with it? 

All of this combined with various other factors led me to the decision to join a slimming club, now I’m not doing this because I hate the way I look, I am doing it to feel better in myself. All my life I have been made to feel like I don’t really fit in and finding the plus size community a couple of years ago was a real turning point for me, I long ago realised that I’m never going to be a size 10 and I don’t want to be, I love my curves and don’t want to lose them. I could lose 100lbs and I would still be plus sized! I joined Slimming World just over 2 weeks ago, in my first week I ate healthily but didn’t feel that I deprived myself of anything, after one week I had lost 9lbs and was incredibly proud of myself, I had put my mind to something and it paid off.

What I was surprised about was some of the comments I got on Twitter, while the majority were really positive and congratulated me on my achievement there were a few that were quite negative, criticising me for wanting to change my body and assuming that I’m not happy with myself the way I am. 

My point is that no-one is better than anyone else, fat, thin or anywhere inbetween we should all accept that people need to do what is right for them at any given time and not expect them to justify it to anyone else. What I would like people to do is to think before they speak and just consider that there may be a hundred things going on in someones life that have led them to where they are now, unless you have lived their life you are in no position to judge them. 

Sticks and stones… — September 27, 2015

Sticks and stones…

I’m sure we’ve all heard the old saying “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me” if only this were true! I think every nasty comment I have ever received has lodged somewhere deep inside me. It’s funny how when I get a compliment I assume that it’s just someone trying to be nice but as soon as someone says something nasty I believe it completely, isn’t it fun how our minds work! 

Internet trolls are everywhere unfortunately, they’re the equivalent of a high school bully who will taunt anyone who doesn’t fit their ideals. I know that the smart thing to do is to ignore them and they’ll eventually move on to someone else but unfortunately this doesn’t stop their words chipping away at my self esteem. This week I have come under attack from trolls again, basically all picking on the one thing that’s easiest, my weight. Last weekend I was down in London for Club Indulge, a body positive night which I love going to, I wore a little black dress which I probably wouldn’t have worn a year ago as it was very figure hugging, but thanks to nights like these my body confidence has been growing. Feeling happy with the way I looked I posted a picture on Twitter;

Now I get that I’m not everyone’s cup of tea, but I was brought up with the adage ” If you don’t have anything nice to say don’t say anything at all ” unfortunately other people obviously weren’t taught the same. I was met with comments like; 

Oh look at the little piglet legs”

“Your knees must really hurt”

“So, in your case, what does the second B in BBW stand for?”

“I just threw up a bit”

I’ll admit I cried, I didn’t respond to any of them as I understand that these sort of people thrive on the attention and arguing with them is just feeding the fire. I blocked the offenders and tried to move on, unfortunately my brain refused to do the same and those little comments have been going around in my head ever since. I mentioned the experience on Twitter and got a lot of very supportive comments along the lines of “don’t listen to them, you’re better than that” but one response that really got to me was this one

Now there are a few things about this comment that angered me, firstly “with the greatest of respect” automatically I know that this is going to be a thinly veiled criticism, and why should I expect to get nasty bullying comments purely because I put a picture of myself on the Internet?! This is the world we live in, people post pictures of things which are far more offensive than me in a dress! Should I also expect to be called names in the street just because I’m fat (this has happened a few times) I suppose that means I’m asking for trouble and should just never leave the house. To me this is the same school of thought as saying that someone was responsible for being cat called (or worse) because they were dressed provocatively, it all boils down to the same thing and I refuse to take responsibility for someone else’s actions.

Bullies are everywhere, I’m sure we’ve all come across then in one form or another throughout our lives, the Internet has become a perfect breeding ground for them where they can hide behind their keyboards and say things which they wouldn’t dream of saying to someones face (I hope). Does this mean that we should accept it? I don’t think so. So yes their words hurt me but I won’t let them stop me, I won’t let them win. 



The Beginning — August 22, 2015

The Beginning

So, I’ve decided that I need somewhere to write things down, share my experiences (both good and bad) I doubt that anyone will read this but that’s fine, this is about me.

I’m a big girl, always have been and always will be. It’s taken me a long time to accept this, you name a diet and I’ve probably done it, Weight Watchers, Slimming World, Lighter Life. I’ve lost a few stone and then gained it all back and more. In the process I’ve made myself utterly miserable and felt like a failure for not sticking at it.

Then, a couple of years ago, I discovered the BBW scene on Twitter, and it was a revelation! There were so many beautiful plus size women all being so positive and making me realise that yes, I’m fat but that’s just one thing about me, just like having brown hair or blue eyes. It doesn’t make me a bad person and I still deserve to enjoy the same things as everyone else.

I know that it sounds ridiculous that it took me well into my 30’s to figure it out but society pressures us into thinking that big is bad, and that if only we can lose weight our lives will change completely and we will suddenly be happy. But it doesn’t work like that, if I lost weight then yes, it MIGHT stop me developing joint problems, it MIGHT stop me getting type 2 diabetes. The list of ifs and buts is endless, but there are no certainties, even slimmer I could end up with health problems.

What I do know is that losing weight is not going to make me rich and successful, it’s not going to help me find the love of my life and it’s not going to stop people judging me one way or another.

So I made a decision, to do what makes me happy, that might be going out dancing until the early hours, or just enjoying a takeaway in front of the TV. But I will not live my life worrying about what other people think of me, life is too short and I have already wasted so much time.